Today is Monday, June 1st, 2009; Karen's Korner #1581

It was 36 years ago today that our younger daughter Merry was born.
 
As promised, I am repeating several Karen's Korners written of memories, as 2009 marks the tenth anniversary of her death.
 
Memory #2 was a Karen's Korner in March of 2003. As I re-read it, I am making a few updates in my thoughts:
 
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Tuesday, March 25th, 2003; Karen's Korner #17:

..."when Merry died".....*

 

It had been a summer unlike any other I had experienced. Hospitalizations for both Merry and Jim. Each time they recovered quickly. Each time we believed surgeries to be successful. We had made travel plans to go to Europe, but changed our minds until Merry's condition appeared to be settled down.

 

We decided to travel to Wisconsin, stay overnight, enjoy the Mississipi, catch up with Jim's niece and family, and come back home the next day.

 

It was while we were at Deb's house that Jim and I replied to Ed's message, left on her phone recorder. His one sentence said it all, "Merry was killed late this afternoon in a car accident." That was all the details we heard, asked, or knew. We hurried around their home trying to figure out the quickest way to Amana.

 

Jim seemed to be able to take in the reality of what was happening in. This new reality had a hard time settling in for me. Maybe we should try to find a charter flight back to Iowa? Getting "home" as soon as possible was the goal.

 

Getting in the car and driving seemed to be the best plan.

 

As much as we wanted to get to Amana, it was as we drove through Cedar Rapids and passed the hospital and Merry's "home-away-from-home" too many times that summer, that I felt like I wanted everything to go into slow motion. The closer we got to Amana and Merry and Ed's apartment, I wanted things to go even slower. Not getting there would somehow make the reality of the situation disappear!

 

Now it was late into the evening, only Jamie and Ed were there. Talk. Tears. Plans were beginning to take shape. Would anyone be able to sleep? Surprisingly, after tossing and turning----all four us slept some....

 

Early the next morning, Jamie and I took to the streets of Amana to walk. The morning was bright, clear, and still. All the normal sounds which take place inside my head were strangely quiet - the thoughts, the running internal dialogue had been silenced. It was if I had, too, had died: emotionally, intellectually, mentally, maybe even physically. I can recall telling several friends in the upcoming few days that I felt like a part of me had died.......and then I knew: "it (she) had!"

 

There was only one thing in my life still standing:  the spiritual part of me. And that part remained strong and tall. All of the things that I had been taught for years in Sunday School and church; all the things I said I believed.........seemed absolutely real. I had a peace that I can't explain; some may call it shock and it may have been. But for the first time in my life, I knew without a doubt that all of that stuff was true!

 

Normally, I have questioned things........now, not only did I not have any answers; my questions had also stopped.

 

This was not the time to turn my back on God.......He was going to be my only anwer! He would be my strength.

 

Some might ask, "How did you/do you know?" I just knew. I guess it is called faith. I had a choice. I have a choice! Believing or not believing. Life, and certainly death, don't make much sense without it.

 

God seemed unbelievably real to me. Heaven was no longer something to be talked about. It had become a real place, where real people now lived....not only old people who had lived a long and fruitful life, but young people with energy, talents, and an enthusiasm for life which they wanted to share with others....

 

I knew I was loved. I knew He was taking care of Merry. And I knew that He was taking care of me.

 

I was entering a new phase of my life.........trusting God.......one day, one minute, one step at a time.........

 

***

 

Several months ago I read an autobiography by Denise Jackson, wife of country music superstar Alan Jackson. She recounted how their marriage had fallen completely apart and how God had put it and them back together.

 

Her thoughts reminded me of our losing Merry:

 

"When everything is going well, we often can't hear God, because the music all around us is turned up too loud. But when the party stops---in those moments of crashing pain, sorrow, and sudden silence---we begin to hear His voice. I've learned that if I listen and lean on His strength, He can help me climb out of the wreckage. As I do, I have new perspectives about what is precious and what is truly important."
 
~ by Denise Jackson, from "It's All About Him"
 
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