..."when Merry died".....(part 4)

It wasn't very long after Merry was killed, maybe the next day that I thought, "Now, I am a part of a group that I never wanted to join!" I had a new title "parent who lost a child".

As I have mentioned in the other three writings, I had many, many thoughts immediately after her death - which are recorded in my mind like a photo and/or recording.

One of the thoughts came several days after her funeral. I was walking through the kitchen when this thought came flying through my mind, "this is so hard, it would have been better if Merry had never been born!" That thought lasted all of 10 seconds and I knew what a lie it was! Even though it was the hardest thing I had ever had to deal with in my life...even though the loss was overwhelming.... the 26-plus years of knowing, loving, and "experiencing" Merry, of being a mom to two kids.........was so terrific....I wouldn't erase all of that to avoid the pain and sense of loss I was feeling that day. That "terrible negative" was so tiny..........in comparison to all the memories, all the experiences, all the learning that was a part of my life because of Merry.....I knew that thought, ever so fleeting, was a lie; and I wasn't going to embrace it!

Now was not the time to run away from life and love and experiences, because they might be painful another day. When Jim came home at noon, I said to him, "We need to get a dog!"

"Why do my need a dog?" Jim asked me.

I don't know if I explained myself in detail or not; but I wanted something else to love, to care for, to experience. No, he (who turned out to be Elmo) might come into our life, give us lots of experiences.........and like dogs have a tendency to do die before you are ready! But no matter.....life is for the living, giving, and loving. And then when it is over.....you are happy that life didn't scare you; and life gave you more than it took away....

Elmo died last summer....and we loved him, and we miss him, and we have a whole bunch of experiences.....and we laugh and talk about Elmo...

So now we have another dog (Lady).......

And we have welcomed more friends....we have added a son-in-law Tim........and Merry's husband has a new wife Heather..........and we have foster kids who came and stay with us sometimes........and some of them might leave me (us) some time and maybe it doesn't matter, if you love them a lot while they are around........and it doesn't scare you if they might leave.....and you know you will hurt when they are gone...........but the hurt doesn't outweigh the memories.........

Another thing that I have learned since Merry has been gone almost four years. There is a myth that is repeated in our society often, "There is nothing worse than losing a child!" I found that not to be a true statement. While I would just as soon not be in my new group as a "parent who has lost a child", there are all kinds of titles in our society that are also "the worst": "divored", "abused", "widow (widower)", "betrayed", "addicted", "bankrupted", "abandoned", "cancer survivor (or a myriad of other diseases)", and the list goes on..........all groups which many of us are asked to belong, which we didn't want to join!

And all things which we can't handle on our own. All things which are impossible. Exactly where God wants us. He knows we can't handle any of these things on our own. He is here to help us through each and every one of them. They are all impossibilities.